The Pervert and I haven’t been having much sex lately.
This could be for a number of reasons… hormones that help with milk production impact on libido; my iron levels may be out of whack as I’m out of my vitamin tablets; I cannot remember the last adult conversation I had that wasn’t somehow connected to emotional imbalance in myself or house work; I’m not feeling connected to my body; I look in the mirror and see nothing.
This is not the Pervert’s fault. He still finds me desirable, and on some level I desire him like crazy… but it’s not on a physical lust level. For me sex has always been about the connection on an intellectual, spiritual and emotional level. If you’d rather discuss pubs and sport over prose and science then basically: FUCK OFF.
I’ve had one night stands purely on the desire to keep talking to the person as they’ve fired synapses in my brain that have hot wired my entire body. One of the most erotic experiences I ever had didn’t involve intercourse, dirty talk, porn or anything remotely sexual. It did involve a good bottle of wine, a long talk and some of the best food I’ve ever had. It gives a new meaning to oral orgasm, rediscovering food as a thing of pleasure rather than just sustenance, connecting on a level that has nothing to do with wanting to jump the other person but to be a part of them in that moment. OK, the sex later that night was pretty nice too but I digress. 
The Pervert wants me to consider the possibility that my lack of libido and apathy towards sex may be due to the “in-out-over” nature that he feels the last 6 months have become. I never felt more liberated in my body or sexuality as I did when I was pregnant. I loved my curves, the way my hormones made kissing a sensation close to orgasmic, the link to something deeper and more primal.
His other theory is that now I have a baby I don’t need him is just not going to be discussed in depth; think about it. If all I wanted was a child then surely I’d have opted for a much easier task than the shit we went through with IVF.
So: what is sex? Is it a deeper connection at a spiritual, emotional and intellectual level or 5 minutes exercise? I think it’s the deeper thing. Not being interested in the physical act at the moment means I’m missing out on some a cardio work out, I’m still interested in the intimacy thing. I love the cuddling up, the playful kisses, the communication in a glance that speaks more than a million words.
My breasts are uncomfortable, I don’t want them played with. The milk coming in is sometimes painful, the suckling just plain hurts at times, so I don’t feel sexually connected or aroused by them.
My other bits… haemorrhoids make me feel yuk and gross, the sore wrist makes me feel like I don’t wipe properly which exacerbates my whole “dirty down there when hairy” psychosis, I hate the scar which pulls and stings at times (things guaranteed to make me feel really sexy)…*sigh* but mostly I don’t feel like the deeper connection is there at the moment.
Not the deeper connection to the Pervert, but to myself.
And if you can’t connect to yourself how can you ever connect to another person to truly make love? I might as well just go for a walk and get a good cardio work out that way.
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January 24th, 2008 at 5:07 am
Don’t sweat it. Let things come as they may. Give your body time to heal (both physically and emotionally) and the desire should come back.
January 24th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
This is a very introspective post, Pagan. You are very honest about what you are feeling and confront possibly undesirable feelings. I think if you are to ever transition out of this phase, you need to fully embrace all you feel so you can acknowledge it and move on.
I think you raise some interesting questions about sex. They are all valid questions that have no easy answer. I think the answer honestly depend on the person. To one person, sex could very well be the base, animalistic, physical act and nothing more. Yet to another, sex could only exist with the deeper emotional connection.
I have been both these people. I think sex is defined as a combination and joining of how both (or all three or whatever) people feel about it.
Just because you’re not feeling the physical aspect at the moment (for quite understandable reasons, if I may so say) doesn’t make your relationship with the Pervert any less sexual. Because you don’t define sex by only the physical penis in vagina.
I think you’ll come back to your sex before pregnancy, or your relationship will evolve into a new kind of sex. I mean your body has changed. You carried a child you share. I think eventually that will make the connection even deeper.
January 24th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I hear you Pagan. I’ve been there, twice. I think many of us women who have had babies report many of those same feelings of “ickyness”. It took months and months before I wanted my breasts played with after child birth. My nipples still don’t have the sensation they used too before nursing. Thankfully I have a man who is very rough with them, which works!
Most women go through a bout of hormonal imbalance. I call it post partum depression but some people get all fired up about that word. My daughter (2nd child) sent me over the edge mentally and I just felt lousy all the time. Physically and emotionally. Which threw me for a loop because I was fine with my son (1st child). Maybe over analyzing or questioning is your way of coping with the huge volume of changes that have happened in your life and in your body.
Talk to your doctor, there is no shame in what you are feeling. You are very normal! I’m sure you hate being called normal! LOL. But there are meds you can take while nursing that won’t hurt the baby. People don’t often understand meds, so if you want some more advice, email me. And since most people don’t understand the hormonal and emotional repercussions of child birth - don’t believe them when they say wait it out. That’s a long damn time to wait to start functioning again.
Good Luck!
January 26th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Tell you what, when I had a baby two years ago, not only sex was 100% out during the entire pregnancy because I had no interest in it, but also afterwards it took at least four months until I even felt the sparks of desire and started having sex again. And then it was better than before! (And I am still nursing after two years). That’s how it goes. So, I would say, blame it on the hormones, don’t rush it, and focus on other ways to connect. After all, your body thinks that its primary function right now is to nourish the offspring into thriving and growing before it can start thinking about reproduction again (=wanting to have sex). Everything in good time!
January 27th, 2008 at 2:50 am
If you’re nursing your baby, you’re actually getting a lot of sexual gratification you don’t realize you’re getting. The hormones being produced when you breastfeed (oxytocin specifically) are the same ones produced when you orgasm. Plus, you’re skin to skin with another human being twelve hours a day or so… which takes care of the human touch factor. You can come to feel all “touched out.” Nature used to take care of this… women would have babies and men would go off to hunt… now, though, we’re more “civilized”… and in some ways, more backwards.
I’ve had four… trust me, this too shall pass…
January 29th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Wow. Real life! So refreshing.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:02 am
This is my first time checking out this blog, and I have to say I didn’t know what to expect - but I didn’t expect this!
I wish I had some advice or thoughts to add to all of the excellent comments that have come before, but the truth is 1) it’s an area of experience that is foreign to me, and 2) I am a big, dumb male. But I do want to say thank you for sharing such an introspective post that examines a side of sex that “adult” blogs don’t usually approach.
February 9th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Mr Manic Depressive: Thank you.
Chris: I used this post to sort out some thoughts, never meaning it to be published. The Pervert published it as part of our open and honest commitment to our readers. Confronting the feelings have helped.
Tomsgirrl: I’ve been on the drugs they suggested in the past. In my case they stole some of my life and that’s not something I’m letting happen again. I have a support group I attend and bake lots as a form of meditation. (Punching dough is very therapeutic.) Thank you for your empathy and own experiences.
S.: I’m happy to be patient but I have a red hot man who wants me back to speed asap! ;p
Selena: Thank you, I didn’t realise that. I knew the oxytocin explained why I feel drowsy while feeding, and also why it relaxes me to feed, but didn’t equate the hormones with the dolphins of sex.
Alfie: It’s part of a promise we made. To be as open and honest about our sexuality and love as we can. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Bootyoverload: Welcome. Not all our posts are this introspective. When I’m back to speed there’ll be after baby booty shots, lots of “Oh my Gods! The sex last night was ….” posts mixed with our senses of humour. And in my humble opinion; a big, dumb male wouldn’t be as sensitive as you were in handling the discussion, he’d be all “build a bridge” So obviously you are not “dumb”.
Hugs all
A tired Pagan awaiting her Pervert.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I am a midwife here in Holland in a Home/ natural birth practice. Your situation is very common, especially after a birth involving trauma such as a episiotomy or c-section. May I suggest the following to help you;
First of all for any post-partum woman I strongly recommend they use NATURAL progesterone cream each day. It helps to stabilise and balance the hormone state in your body. It is also anti inflammatory and so will help with the healing after birth and reduce lactating breast tenderness. Rubbing a little bit of the cream into your scar will help settle it down by the way.
Breasts: Every lactating woman should ensure that she is drinking plenty of water, minimum of two litres each day. Stop drinking sodas, they are just too acidic. There is no better way of hydrating properly than by drinking water, it really will reduce breast pain. Also massage your breasts daily, I know it can be uncomfortable but the more you can steal yourself to do it the better they will get. You can find instructions in the women’s health section of our site.
Yoni Massage: In our practice we often find that women have become disconnected from their genitals due to birth, especially when the birth is overly medicalised and it became, for a time, the property of the medical profession. As a result you need to reconnect with yourself and yoni massage is a very good way of doing this. The objective of Yoni massage is not to have an orgasm, though it can and often does happen. The objective to just to relax, enjoy the touch, sensations and feel of your genitals once again. In doing the massage your partner must understand at the outset that the massage does not mean they are going to be having sex, they are just giving a massage in an intimate place. During the massage you must focus on relaxing and letting every sensation just wash over you. Spend a good two hours having the massage, use a high quality massage oil and focus on having your vulva and vagina caressed and rubbed without the objective being sex. I realise this may sound a bit “New Age/Hippy” to you but it really does work., it gives you ownership of your sex again and lets you know how wonderful it is.