The Pagan And The Pervert

I’m a natural sub. It doesn’t mean I am a walk over or like to be treated like dirt. It means I like to make people happy.

In some ways this need to please can lead to some painful situations. Like when I am trying to please someone I know will never be happy with anything as she is miserable in herself. It’s not just the death of my father that makes my mother like this but a glitch in her programming. It’s one she’s tried to instil in other family members resulting in emotional immaturity and retardation in some of her sons and depression in her daughters. We all cope, or fail to cope, in our own ways. Some of us drink to excess, some of us deny our family, while others submerge themselves in a belief system that includes growling when their 4 year old asks about a birthday party.

I had a break through the other day in relation to what I do. Not only do I try to make myself happy by trying to please others but I also try to fill the hole left by mother’s emotional stuntedness with other things, namely food and sex. Now, if I was screwing the Pervert enough to burn off the additional calories neither of these things would be a bad thing. If pleasing others made me happy that too would be a good thing, but when I don’t get positive feedback it results in a spiral downwards into depression.

Fortunately with the Pervert these spirals aren’t as dramatic any more, the need to hurt myself or be hurt by others is not as strong as it used to be. When I read about other submissive people, especially from a Dom perspective, I sometimes realise how very lucky I am. My Dom is a female. She’s also a good friend who helped me realise that often it is the sub who has the power in a play relationship. She will take me to the edge of my emotions but never push so hard that I could get hurt, either physically or otherwise.

Today I read a blog by a male Dom talking about how he “ripped” his sub. He included pictures of a beautiful woman in obvious distress. There was no joy in these pictures, just the degrading of another person. I know that pictures convey a limited amount of information, but the text along with these pictures saddened me greatly.

To all the Dom’s who read this, subs are a gift. You are very fortunate that another human being places that much trust in you. Do not abuse that trust or that person and then call yourself a Top or a Dom. A sub is told to respect his/her Mistress/Master, but that contract goes both ways.

Okay, sermon over. I’ll return you to our usual sex and salaciousness that this blog normally entails.

PS It’s a beautiful full moon at the moment. I can feel myself recharging and have a sense of spirituality that I feel I lost about five months ago. I can feel the energy and love of the baby growing inside me. I hope the Pervert can feel this energy. I feel like a being of light and love, and though I am sad in a way I cannot explain, I am also at a place of peace I haven’t encountered in a long time.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 29th, 2007 at 1:34 pm and is filed under Life, blogging, BDSM. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.